Thinking about trying something new and ‘kinky’? Jack Dark’s three-part beginner’s guide to BDSM will tell you all you need to know…
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Partners for Pervery
Now we’ve established that if we’re going to get into this, we’re going to do so in a safe way, let’s take a moment to talk about partners for pervery and not just assume that everyone here is in a relationship already, or can easily find people to put on your to-do list. Your Cosmo/Sex-In-The-City bullshit unrealistic fantasy version of sex conversation seems to start off with the premise that sex comes easy and you’re a failure if you can’t get it. Not so.
These days with online dating and hook-up apps it’s easier than ever to find a shag, and if that’s what you want to do, then so long as it’s informed and consenting, go for it, but even with an iphone-a-fuckbuddy in your pocket, we’re not always going to get the kind of offers we want.
There are websites and private forums where you can find out more about BDSM and advertise for partners, but let’s be blunt – they’re full of dicks. And not in a good way. The signal to noise is low. If you’re a single, young woman, you’re going to get a hell of a lot of attention. And because some people think they can take the 50 Shades bloke as a role model, or just don’t have any social skills at all, a whole lot of that is going to be things you don’t want.
If you’re a guy who does have a clue and isn’t going to be a dick, then you’re going to have to compete with this. The numbers game is against both men and women when it comes to fighting through the noise of pushy and aggressive wankers that think that identifying as a ‘dominant’ comes with some sort of entitlement.
The best thing you can do is to be careful with your privacy, whilst being honest about whom you are and what you’re looking for, and have some patience. If you’re sending messages, be polite and attempt to be interesting, and if you’re receiving them, then just delete the unwanted ones and don’t worry about hurting anyone’s feelings. If you’re a single, straight guy, you’ll just have to be somewhat persistent without being pushy, and add a big dose of patience to that. By that I don’t mean that you should shower people you fancy with loads of messages. Don’t be aggressive, take no or no reply for an answer and move on, and be a good guy, not a ‘nice guy’ who whinges that he’s not getting enough attention.
Online forums are also the best place to find out about the world meetings for people who are into BDSM who aren’t ready to go to a club or event, and to meet others in a safe public place, where nothing too dodgy should happen. They’re called ‘Munches’. Because these are in real world meat-space and should be somewhere like a pub or café that you can GTFO of if you feel uncomfortable, and aren’t filled with keyboard warriors, or people that think it’s okay to be a dick because they’re in the anonymous interwebs, they’re usually okay.
As a young, single woman, you will still get a shitload of attention – and might get referred to as a ‘unicorn’ because hot, young, single, women that are into kink are allegedly extremely rare – but guys that are respectful and interesting don’t do too badly in terms of getting attention too, and there’s a better chance you’ll start to find people you could potentially do naughty things with whatever gender or sex you are. They’re also usually pretty friendly to transsexual or transgender or non-gendered people.
What might be something for a beginner to try is to find someone more experienced, either online, or at a munch, and remembering the platinum rule of informed consent, entering into a mentor type agreement. A word of caution – there will be hundreds of men that will offer this to women, as it will be their fantasy to have a submissive and compliant woman they can direct and ‘educate’. Equally unhealthily, there will also be a number of women that will offer ‘training’ to men on a financial basis. It’s unlikely that either will be all that good a place to start.
However – there are also both men and women that will offer mentorship on a genuine basis to anyone at all. Same-sex mentorships for hetero people, or opposite-sex ones for gay people, or finding someone you don’t want to fuck, who also isn’t in it to fuck or spank, or be spanked by, might be a healthy option to consider. If you’re going to take the ‘mentor’ route, always make sure it’s with something that respects your boundaries and that you’d feel comfortable talking to in any other situation. There should be no obligations to give out any private or personal information if you don’t want to, and the second they try to get you to do anything you don’t consent to, you’re well within your rights to say ‘no thanks’ and shut them down.
